Randomness

It’s Here

Posted on by Jen Bingaman, M.A. LMHCA Posted in Randomness, Sass, Traveling | 6 Comments

In about 24 hours, I’ll be driving to the airport to travel to Thailand. This is a dream come true.

You may also notice that I haven’t been posting lately. This has been intentional. I’m on a blog detox.

You see, I haven’t journaled just for myself in years. I’ve been lax about creating art. I’ve done so much internal processing related to what I want to write for others, I’ve kind of forgotten about what I want to create for myself.

For the majority of my youth and young adulthood, I cared an awful lot about what people thought of me. In a way, this has greatly helped me on my path to self-awareness and introspection. In some ways, this has really hindered my actions to pursue what I want.

I guess I always figured that if I only considered what other people thought was best for me, if it ever failed, then I wouldn’t have myself to blame. I could point the finger, play the victim, and never get what I want, but at least know that I was never responsible for my own failure.

I’m no stranger to failure, but I’m also no stranger to success. I may fail or I may succeed, but I’m become more and more aware that I am tired of always wanting to know how others feel about my decisions, my choices, or my path. If I succeed, I want to own it. If I fail, well… at least I know I was doing something I wanted to do.

I’m trying to figure out what I want… what I really want from life. Do I want success? OK, what does that success look like? I always thought success was becoming a rock star, being famous, being adored. Now that I give a damn about what a small handful of people think, as opposed to the masses, my idea of success is shifting. My desires are changing. Heck, I’m 25. This is totally normal.

So, I hope you will pardon me while I go on an amazing adventure where I may or may not post. I hope this resonates with any of you who are still figuring out who you are, where you want to go, and how much you want to care about how others choose to think of you. If it doesn’t, oh well. I’ll be in Thailand, writing about my journey on paper, staring out the window of a train or laying in the sand. It’s time to unplug for a while.

See ya around here later.

here

Life…Recently

Posted on by Jen Bingaman, M.A. LMHCA Posted in Randomness, Sass | 1 Comment

For the first time since I was 18 years old, I live in a place I have no plans to move out of in a year or less. Pretty much non-stop for the last 7 years of my life, I’ve moved constantly. The first five times were fun, but then it just started to wear on me. I want to nest! I want to own furniture that actually matters. I want to come HOME, not just have a place to sleep.

This new place is going to be a home. I’ve been staying busy organizing and clearing clutter that has followed me around for years because I haven’t had the energy or the time to throw things away. I spent all of Saturday going through random boxes of junk and just tossing stuff out and cleaning up a storm.

I cleaned my make-up brushes, which I admit with some shame I haven’t washed since I purchased them in 2009. Blech. I know I’m not alone, all you filthy make-up brush owners.

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I found pictures of when I was chubby, when I was blonde, and when I was so young I looked nothing like I do now. It was fun to reminisce. I laughed at the huge box I found of mostly movie ticket stubs I saved through middle school with notes on the back of who I saw each movie with. If that isn’t meticulous… I don’t know what is. I wish I could devote that enthusiasm to keeping track of business expenses.

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Then I cooked a spinach alfredo. I was good, but not great. I shall update and then maybe I’ll post it here. We went and played Jenga. I did not know this, but I’m like a Jenga ninja. Challenge me, I dare you.

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Yesterday, I joined the rest of the masses and watched the Super Bowl. It was fun, I was happy the Ravens won. Watching the Wire has made me care about Baltimore. So, yeah. Less than a week till Thailand. Holy moly, it’s really happening.

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The Paradox of Busyness

Posted on by Jen Bingaman, M.A. LMHCA Posted in Jobs, Randomness, Sass | 2 Comments

Creativity and inspiration are tricky things.

I go through spurts. I picture my levels of creativity like an erratic EEG monitor. I’m all over the place. As some of you may have deduced, I’m back to an *interesting* work schedule (which, mainly, is me sitting in my pajamas, looking for jobs and doing some freelance writing/private practice stuff). I’m busy, but not steadily busy. I’ll have a couple hours of work, an errand to run, more work, a doctor’s appointment, etc. My schedule is flexible and leisurely. I don’t really like it. I’m a gal who yearns for structure.

I’ve noticed during these times, I don’t really feel like writing in this blog (sorry, just bein’ real and shiz). I feel like I have nothing profound to say or nothing I really feel like sharing. I don’t feel inspired and frankly, I’d rather sit and draw or paint than write in the ol’ blog. Maybe it’s because drawing and painting don’t have to have a point. Writing in here has to have a point. I’m not going to mindlessly ramble at you 5 days a week. I don’t want to waste your eyeballs or my time. I like writing when I have something to say or a thought to express.

It’s frustrating though because if there was ever a time in my life where I had the time to write a million things on here, now is that time. When I have less time, when I’m out working my booty off, traveling all over, talking to a bunch of people, then I’m sitting there tapping my foot, scrawling notes on paper or typing them into my phone, itching to write a post the moment I have some time to myself. It’s weird. When I’m busy, I want to be more busy. When I’m not as busy, I have nothing to say. It’s a weird paradox of busyness. I guess it’s kind of like the law of attraction.

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I keep thinking of that TED Talk from Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love) who speaks to the beast of creativity. She basically gives a short history lesson of how creativity has been viewed in the past and how we look at it now. In the past, we viewed it as an external influence, something that would just pop into our minds, maybe inspired by a god or some nymph bestowing a genius idea upon us. Now, there’s an internal view of creativity, that we are responsible for how creative we feel and choose to be… to some extent I agree with that. I need to do things to nurture my creativity (like get busy!), but I also feel like sometimes stuff just pops into my head with little perceived control over the process. I suppose I believe you can influence creativity, but you can’t spontaneously create it. Some of it is kind of divine or cosmic.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. I’m trying to find ways to be busy, while also wrestling with this desire to just not do anything. Life.



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