Counting Down

Posted on May 18, 2012 by Jen! Posted in Funny Stories | 1 Comment

I’m counting down the days now. The days until I get to see Jesse. I’m pretty excited because this visit is the start of everything. It’s the beginning of the end of my time in Florida.

I’ve had a sinus infection for 3 weeks now. It’s aggravating. Other wheels of my health train have kind of fallen off and I’ve been forced to take a look at what’s going on for me. The truth is, I’m stressed. I am so stressed. It’s really nothing that can be helped. It’s all good stress. It’s stress that comes from moving across the country to start the next stage of your life, finishing up your master’s degree, trying to figure out how the hell you’re going to get everything handled in 3 months, and the impatience that comes with wanting it to be over already.

I’ve also been living off of savings for the last several months, so there’s an added stressor of throwing myself right into the job market the minute I get to Seattle.

So now that I’ve dumped my stress on you, let us all de-stress by looking at pictures of puppies.

Ahhhh, now I feel better. Nothing like looking at puppies to start off a great weekend. Happy Friday!

 

P.S. For those interested, here is my ACA Post for the week about embracing serendipity in counseling.

Stinking Thinking

Posted on May 17, 2012 by Jen! Posted in Addiction, Individual, Mind | Leave a comment

So on Wednesday, I was co-facilitating a group and we posed a story to the clients. I won’t bother to tell you the whole thing because it’s really not the point, but the goal of the exercise was to get the clients to think about choice when they are confined to a story that doesn’t present a whole lot of appealing options. It was basically an exercise in the philosophy of independent thinking.

Well, two of the clients keenly realized there was a loophole to the story. After they shared their loophole, I reflected back what they had done as “addictive thinking,” mainly citing the notorious nature of addicts to manipulate a situation to the benefit of themselves and no one else. When I did this, one of the clients basically said, “You labeled my addictive thinking, but how would you know? You’ve never had an addiction, you don’t think like an addict!”

In counseling, especially in addictions, it’s often very important to an addict to have someone who truly understands them. I’ve had clients outright ask me in the first session if I’ve ever used drugs or been addicted. We’re trained to handle the question in a variety of ways, but I tend to approach it depending on the vibe I get from the client. The core issue is that we all want to feel understood, I usually just approach the session from that point of view.

So, I replied back to the client with my most honest answer: “Of course I have addictive thinking! Just because I don’t have an addiction, doesn’t mean I don’t think addictively.”

I went on to explain that we all think in ways that support addiction. It’s often called, “Stinking Thinking” in the addictions treatment world. Basically, it’s the types of thought processes that get us all in trouble and land us in hot water. A lot of variables go into why I haven’t developed an addiction and some have – mainly a fancy combination of nature and nurture – but at the end of the day, I can relate to my clients. I’ve been there.

Then my wheels started spinning and I thought you all might be curious what we deem “addictive thinking” or “stinking thinking” in the field. We give out a packet to all of the clients when they enter treatment and when I read this article, I definitely saw some old thinking patterns – and even ones that boil up now and again – in there. I feel that with knowledge of myself and how I think about my world, I gain a greater ability to influence the outcome. I hope maybe some of what I share helps you influence your outcome.

Lip Service

Lip service is the mouthing of insincere statements. It’s telling other people what they want to hear. it’s superficial compliance – a sham to make ourselves look good.

We all use lip service. We say we’ll go to that friend’s birthday party, when really we know we probably won’t because we have tentative plans with someone we’d rather hang out with. We tell our friends we’ll come visit them when they move, but we never do. We say we’ll call our grandmother because it is the right thing to do, but we just never get around to it. We say things because we want them to be true.

Lip service is the verbal equivalent of wishful thinking. We want it to be true, so we feel if we speak it into existence, it might end up being true. Hopefully we will be a good friend and show up at that birthday party. Hopefully we will take a summer trip to Alaska to see our friends. Hopefully we will call our grandmother when we have some spare time on Sundays.

Grandiosity

Grandiosity is the flip side of low self-esteem. it is characterized by an overinflated sense of self, and those of us who suffer from it possess and embarrassingly unrealistic sense of our importance, talents, and abilities. We behave as if we are immune to the ordinary laws of the universe that govern mere mortals. We think of ourselves as well… different.

Grandiosity is driving drunk/buzzed and thinking we are fine and we aren’t at risk because we’ve never been caught before, we’re great when we drive drunk, our friends do it all the time, et cetera, et cetera. Grandiosity is when we consistently show up late for things and expect people to not be bothered. Grandiosity is thinking that if I tell my partner I’ll go to counseling, the relationship will magically heal itself. Grandiosity was me thinking I could learn to play the drums in a year with all of my other extracurricular commitments. I’m waiting until August to start.

Corner Cutting

Corner cutting is insidious. Our first cheats seem small and innocent, certainly no cause for concern. We always have a good explanation for our deviation. The hallmark of corner cutting is excuse making.

I immediately think of a healthy diet in this situation. When I was doing LiveFit, I wanted to adhere to carb cycling and eating right and watching my calories and blah, blah, blah. I would have a cookie on Friday and tell myself, “No worries! It’s just a cookie! Plus, it was free.” Then on Saturday, I’d have extra sour cream on my Chipotle burrito bowl. Then on Sunday, I would just eat whatever the hell I wanted because, oh well, I had already blown my diet and I’ll just start over on Monday.

Corner cutting is having that one last cigarette. It’s cutting our workout 10 minutes short because we skipped breakfast and we’re good for the day. Corner cutting is saying we were late because of traffic when really we were late because we woke up 15 minutes late and still wanted to do our hair. We’re not sharing the whole picture and “playing the tape though,” which is another term we use when working in addictions. We have to zoom out and see what one cut will do to the whole frame.

We all corner cut every day and that’s OK. Corner cutting is a part of the human condition. The point is that we should be aware of it and we should avoid letting it become an excuse to say, “Oh well!” and just eat the entire wheel of cheese in our refrigerator. Maybe, that’s the difference between my stinking thinking and an addict’s. I have an extra helping of french fries and stop and they eat the whole buffet.

Defiance

The hallmark of defiance is immaturity. In many ways, we are like big babies. We want to be the center of attention and we want to have all of our needs met immediately. We become angry and resentful when people don’t act the way we wish. We start to blame them for all of our problems and we expend an enormous amount of energy trying to get them to change, to act right, to make us happy.

I’m sure most of you can guess that defiance is very common in intimate relationships. We meet our partners and then we decide we don’t like something about them. Once we decide that, we tell them. When they don’t change, we get angry and we think, “Doesn’t this person love me? Don’t they care what I think about them?” and we begin to victimize ourselves. We begin to feel that what we want obviously isn’t important. We do this when we walk into a busy restaurant on a Friday night and get upset that we weren’t seated within 15 minutes. We do this when we expect special privilege because our best friend’s cousin’s ex-fianceé is a bartender and we expect a cheaper drink. We do it all the time.

So yeah, those are the main tenets of “stinking thinking”. We all have thoughts that get a little smelly, our job is to just put them in a bag and make sure they don’t stink too much. Right?

Novelty Sparks Passion

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Jen! Posted in Couples, Mind | 7 Comments

I’ve been teaching Gottman to the guys at my internship. At first, I was hesitant to go into a room with 30 men and teach them about relationships.

But I decided to go ahead with it because I’m constantly hearing about baby mama problems, wives being “bitches”, and just general discord between addict and female companion. I was naïve in that I just assumed these guys knew better and just chose not to engage their knowledge about healthy relationships the same way most of them probably knew that heroin was a bad idea.

Well, I was pleasantly surprised when I started teaching Gottman and I pretty much saw 30 minds just explode in front of me. I finished up the managing conflict portion of The Sound Relationship House on Monday and most of them were pretty excited, if not incredibly skeptical about some of the stuff I was teaching them.

Their first concern was that the theory is naturally designed for a couple in couples counseling. I began the group by prefacing that I was aware I was addressing only half of the problem and I knew many of these guys were in relationships in which they felt the other partner was just as messed up as they were. I figured it was better to educate them about a healthy relationship, than to forgo the opportunity all together.

So they ranted and raved about this issue for a while until it was determined that most likely everyone in the room now had the opportunity to change their relationship or for those not coupled, to find a healthy one.

Finally, someone spoke up and said something like, “Jen, this is great and all, but you’re telling us that love is a science. I don’t see anything on here about passion and all the stuff that makes being with someone exciting.”

Touché, my friend. Touché.

My biggest gripe with Gottman is what this guy brought up. I really like his theory and I often use it to understand my own relationship. Unfortunately, Gottman doesn’t directly address the passion issue in his Sound Relationship House. Sure, in the training stuff for counselors he talks about sex and passion and how those things need to be in place and how the Sound Relationship House addresses the underlying issues that may inhibit sex and passion, but he doesn’t make it a focal point and I have a problem with that.

Luckily, I read an article a few weeks ago about the power of novelty in a relationship and how novelty and experiencing new things with your partner builds up that zesty feeling you get when you look at him/her. Seeing your partner in a way you never have before invigorates you and triggers that part in your brain that says, “This person is exciting and interesting!” I reflected that information to the room of guys and they understood. They totally got it.

Then, I read this story, which I also posted on my Facebook. The woman who wrote it described 15 things she had learned in her 15 years of marriage. I liked it because it was real and lined up very much with how I view the future of my relationship. There were two specific things she mentioned that line up with the novelty piece of the puzzle.

1. Get really good at sex.

You’ve got all the time in the world to get really, really good, not just at sex in general, but at having sex with your one particular husband. You should make it your life’s mission to become the perfect sex machine exactly for him. And he for you. There is no reason to hold back, or be embarrassed, or not ask questions and get everything working properly. There’s absolutely no excuse for letting years drag on without becoming fully skilled, gifted sex partners for each other. It makes everything so much better. Does talking about this make you uncomfortable? How uncomfortable would it make you to know that your spouse is secretly, silently “just okay” with your sexual performance? Yeah. You want to last 15 years, remember? That’s a long time to be mildly happy.

2. Move.

Live in different houses. In different parts of the country. Travel. Make it so that you can look back and divide up your life into the years you spent in different cities, or different houses. If you’re feeling stuck geographically or physically, you can confuse yourself into thinking you’re stuck romantically. See your husband in different places, in different contexts, in different countries even. Try it. Take him to a mountaintop and give him another look. Pretty sexy. Take him to a new city and check out his profile. Along the same lines, don’t be afraid to change personally, or let your wife change as a person. Don’t worry about “growing apart.” Be brave and evolve. Become completely different. Don’t gather moss. Stagnation is unattractive.

Being open-minded to change and letting new experiences happen are a huge part of making a relationship work in the long term. It’s what creates passion! Our brains are hard-wired to learn and acquire new information. We crave knowing more about our partners and when we do novel activities and have new experiences with our partner, we feel closer to them and we also get to learn more about them. When we have good sex, we facilitate connection with our partner because we release all those brilliant love hormones that facilitate bonding.

One of my greatest fears in my life has been a worry that I’ll wake up one morning and look at my partner and think, “Oh my god, who are you and why am I in this relationship?” I’m personally quite terrified of stagnation and having a relationship that makes me go, “Meh.” In the past, I’ve confused chaos and emotional instability with this need to not feel “meh,” about my relationship. Chaos isn’t necessary to feel passion and invigoration from your relationship – novelty is the answer.

It doesn’t have to be something crazy in the bedroom, it can be traveling, trying new food, trying a new sport or exercise, or just learning something new like how to cook. In another study I read recently, couples actually rated their overall view of their partner and their relationship higher after having to problem solve an obstacle course in which they were Velcroed together. You want to like your partner and feel that zest? Solve a fun problem together.

Since knowing and dating Jesse we’ve traveled to Mexico, L.A., Boston, Seattle, New York, Jamaica, and San Fransisco. We’ve become vegetarians. We’ve moved in together. We’ve gotten a cat together. He’s educated me about music I probably would have never considered before dating and now I really enjoy it. We’ve gone to tons of concerts. He’s helped me start this blog. He’s gotten his master’s degree. I’m getting my master’s degree. He wants to take me camping, which I’m hesitant to do because I like showers and not being bitten by bugs and sweating through the night. He has assured me Washington camping will not be like Florida camping. I’m staying open-minded. He wants us to learn how to sail. We cool new things together. We’ve probably tried 50 new restaurants together. I’ve turned him into a wine enthusiast. He’s taught me about good scotch.

The list goes on and I can honestly say that in each of those moments I learned something about him that I would not have learned if we hadn’t done it together and I liked him just a little bit more. I felt my heart beat a little bit faster when we drove up the PCH for the first time on a foggy May morning to go wine tasting in Sonoma. I was impressed with how calm he stayed as we drove on the edge of a cliff. I was thankful to have him there with me, guiding the way. The first time I visited L.A., Jesse took me on a bike ride to the Santa Monica pier. I felt close to him that day and grateful to have someone in my life who was cool with riding our bikes to the beach. When I brought up being vegetarian, Jesse was open-minded because he knew it was something I was invested in as a lifestyle choice. He was willing to join me.

I don’t worry too much anymore about the whole “Meh,” thing. I’ve got novelty and someone willing to partake in life’s adventure with me. I’ll be just fine.

Sources (1, 2)

The Case Files: Jon Hamm

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Jen! Posted in Individual, Mind, The Case Files | 4 Comments

Last night I was dreading writing this post, mostly because I had no idea who it would be about. I know of plenty of famous or well-known people who have struggled with things like bipolar disorder or some sort of personality disorder (likely because they need people to understand why they behave a certain way), but outside of those, celebrities are rarely brave enough to disclose their mental health issues.

Enter, Jon Hamm. I will give you time to swoon.

I picked Jon wearing glasses and a five o’clock shadow because it’s my blog and that’s how I like it. For you clean shaven lovers, you’ll get yours. Just wait.

So, I will refrain from making a joke about how Jon Hamm has been given the diagnosis of Damn Sexy, oh wait… I just did that. Moving on…

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Mr. Hamm, he’s the lead character Don Draper on Mad Men. He’s universally adored for his good looks, his acting chops, and his charm. I’m also personally in love with his expansive vocabulary. He taught me two new words while I was reading his interviews – unmoored and pendulous. He’s been with the same girl for 14 years and doesn’t seem to be interested in dipping out anytime soon. All appearances and reports would lead you to believe that Jon has been a glowing success and a well-adjusted individual all his life. But, alas, he has not.

Jon Hamm’s live began less than quaintly in Missouri when he was born to a secretary and a an owner of a truck driving business. His parents divorced when he was 2 years old and Hamm went on living with his mother until she was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer when he was 10. He moved in with his father shortly after his mother’s death, until his father passed away when he was 20.

“I was… unmoored by that. But I was very fortunate to have really good friends in my life whose parents sort of rallied: ‘We’re gonna help this kid out, because otherwise there’s going to be trouble…’ I struggled with chronic depression. I was in bad shape. I knew I had to get back in school and back in some kind of structured environment and… continue.”

Hamm openly talked about his struggle with chronic depression in 2010. He has been candid about what treatments he used to work through his dark time. Besides having a strong support network, Hamm said he had success with therapy and antidepressants.

“I did do therapy and antidepressants for a brief period, which helped me. Which is what therapy does: it gives you another perspective when you are so lost in your own spiral, your own bullshit. It helps. And honestly? Antidepressants help! If you can change your brain chemistry enough to think: ‘I want to get up in the morning; I don’t want to sleep until four in the afternoon. I want to get up and go do my shit and go to work and…’ Reset the auto-meter, kick-start the engine!”

Hamm also said he found refuge in the theater department, finding that other children in similar situations sought out drama as a way to work through their struggles.

“Well, the theatre department always seems to be the sort of… way station for the orphans and all the people who don’t fit in anywhere else. I always swirled back to it.”

I’ve always liked Jon Hamm because he is handsome and hilarious on 30 Rock. I like a man who isn’t afraid to openly poke fun at how gorgeous he is all while wearing hooks for hands.

As always, I am more endeared to Jon Hamm. I find the way he expressed his work with his chronic depression to be refreshing. He was honest, he was straightforward, and he had no shame. He basically told the press, “Yeah, I had depression. So what?”

Exactly! So what. It doesn’t make him weaker and it doesn’t make him any less wonderful. From all reports, it likely made him the success he is today because he had to learn to work through some of the most difficult times of his life. Things like the death of both parents and a divorce can send you to a dark place and leave you feeling like a victim and that the world is just not a good place for you. It can also be an opportunity to find out how truly resilient you are and prepare you for a life of tough times, like going on several auditions and getting rejected. Having the patience and the faith in yourself to keep going until you hit it big, on the show Mad Men, for example.

I admire Jon Hamm. He’s good looking, talented, and intelligent. He’s also not a tool. He seems authentic and vulnerable in a way that makes him stronger than if he just pretended like his depression had never happened. Thanks, Jon Hamm. Thank you for being you.

Sources (1, 2, 3)

Weekends are for…

Posted on May 14, 2012 by Jen! Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Fridays are for eating soft-serve.

Saturdays are for relaxing with pups you are lucky enough to babysit.

They are also for organizing.

They are for finding old things and remembering how cool they are, like your middle school diary with a key in the back to tell you who you wrote what poems about. Thanks, emo 12-year-old Jen.

They are for finding your boyfriend’s old band’s CDs.

They are for finding old books your mom gave you for Christmas one year.

They are for walking pups who are tired of watching you organize everything.

Sundays are for celebrating mothers. Dog mommies.

Cat mommies.

That’s what weekends are for.



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